Now my inner child is my best friend, and I used to think nothing would ever tear us apart. But then these movies made sequels. And the bastards almost killed him. They almost killed him dead.
The Matrix (2 -3)
I was about eight years old when I first saw The Matrix. The first few times I watched it I didn’t understand 100% of what was going on, but I knew I loved it. Incidentally, I didn’t understand the third movie when I first saw it either. It might make sense with more viewings, but it’s honestly tiresome just thinking about it. I saw the Matrix countless times and was therefore super excited when I heard sequels were afoot, and I don’t know exactly what I expected, but I know it wasn’t the martial arts/CGI/action ejaculation that I witnessed.
An ejaculaction if you will.
FUCK YES!!!
Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that maintaining the intimacy and ingenuity of the first film would have been difficult. But not that difficult; and I feel I have to blame the fight choreographer Yeun Wo-ping. If Yuen knows how to do one thing, it’s make a fight scene so ludicrously amazing you will immediately want to go out and learn the martial arts. All of them. My concerns with that is the Wachowskis evidently watched the second film and had this exchange:
Andy: “Holy shit. That was awesome.”
Larry: “I know right? Hey crazy idea, and run with me on this… we-”
Andy: “Throw out all the scripts and add more fight scenes?”
Larry: “E – fucking – zactly what I was thinking. High five”
The first film had a great blend of action, drama, and just generally engaging script work. In making the second film I can’t help but think that the Wachowskis mistook the ass-kicking as the main attraction, letting the story slide a little. And then the third…well, it’s just sad to see such good story potential wither in place of a hundred Hugo Weavings.
As a kid I saw the first matrix so many times I could pretty much recite the entire thing while it wasn’t playing. I saw the third once, and then my inner child had a stroke, and I just haven’t been able to bring myself to watch it again.
Star Wars Episodes (I-III)
I don’t need to talk about how outrageously popular the Star Wars franchise is, and even if you aren’t a fan, you can’t argue about the huge appeal it has garnered. So what went wrong? Lucas decided to reach out to a younger audience, despite A New Hope being released 22 years previous. Pegging his core audience at….over 9 years old...
What upsets me about this is that Lucas forced long time fans to sit through the annoying antics of Anakin and Jar Jar so that a younger audience could be reeled in. If that’s what he wants to do by all means he has the right to do so. The problem I have is that the following movies show scenes such as a young Boba Fett holding the decapitated head of his father, Anakin implicitly murdering a bunch of children and then melting in a river of fire. Now sure these scenes are awesome, but they may be a bit traumatizing for the little tyke who expected to see more Jar Jar Binks (comically?) bumping into stuff and ruining things for everyone.
God dammit Timmy stop crying and finish your ICEE!”
I’m not saying that the movies are completely unenjoyable, but they’re the kind of “shut off your brain and enjoy the pretty looking aliens and explosions” enjoyable. For example, I’m a big zombie fan. When the latest Resident Evil movie came out, I wasn’t upset about its lack of story, blatant plot holes or completely audacious happenstances. Why? Because its Resident Evil, and going in you expect it to be a two hour excuse to blow up as much shit as possible and watch Milla Jovovich romp around in tactically questionable garments. I love that shit. The discrepancy I have is when the film makers stray from what made the first films so endearing in place of computer generated everything. Sure it looks beautiful, but it’s kind of lacking in personality – like the bitchy popular girl in highschool.
Indiana Jones (4)
I really wanted to like the fourth Indiana Jones. I really, really did. And bless his heart, Harrison Ford did the best he could considering the circumstances. But damn if my inner child doesn’t just weep when I think of this movie. The beauty of Indiana Jones was that it petered perfectly on the edge of believability. Wild stunts would happen, and you always let it slide. They weren’t completely outrageous, you’re just pretty sure that if you tried it you would get different results (death). Personally when I found myself watching something that was unfeasible I wouldn’t think “bullshit.” I’d think “Oh Indy, you lucky scamp! What are you going to get yourself into next?” Unfortunately Lucas pushed the unbelievable just a little too far; and people noticed.
I just…I just don’t understand
The first three movies DID require a suspension of disbelief *cough* Face melting, heart-ripping, Holy Grail *cough.* So it isn’t really fair to slam the fourth for being unbelievable. I think what upsets me the most is that Lucas turned Indiana Jones from an adventure movie into sci-fi. I mean, “If Adventure has a name, it MUST be Indiana Jones!” The movies always held true to the adventure archetype. Everything mysterious was because of ancient voodoo or ghosts or Nazis or whatever. No one expects aliens in the fourth movie because that’s not what Indy is all about. Make the crystal skull another tribal voodoo artifact and it won’t exactly be fresh, but it will be Indiana Jones. It’s unreasonable and a little petty to expect the film makers not to stray at all from the classic thematic elements, let alone get angry over it; but damn it you ruined Indiana Jones! You ruined it and I hate you!
So for the sake of preserving the amazing childhood memories I have of Indy I urge everyone to forget about the fourth movie henceforth. That or we all agree to pretend the aliens came back for Indy, abducted him, and that’s how Han Solo began. I think I could live with that.
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